No titles, no frills, just blog!

2006-03-01T21:53:00.000+08:00

This morning, a car ran over my mobile phone, my "friend" saw the incident but he was shocked in awe when he saw that my mobile phone was still intact (it's as if nothing happened to it, still works like brand new even if it doesn't look like it) after it was ran over by a car - I accidentally dropped it in a parking space when I was about to stand and it just happened that someone was about to park in front of us. I guess i'm the type of consumer that selects cheap reliable items. My cellphone is a Sony Ericsson K500i.

The cable guy should be collecting money from me tomorrow, I have to get all my requirements ready so that I can have my broadband cable connection ASAP.

My father called me earlier urging me to leave Manila and study somewhere near our province. He doesn't want his son here, unfortunately, his son is stubborn and wants to stay here.

A friend from the province sent a short message in my mobile phone greeting me and asking me what's new, that's good, at least I know I still have some friends that has the time to check how i'm doing.

I forgot to submit a very important report paper about discourse because of my forgetfulness. Instead, I was somewhere getting money.

I still need to take 6 special examinations to pass the prelim period, midterm exams is about 1 week away and i'm at risk of failing many subjects, shit. I'm tired and sleepy.

A subject of mine which I attend 2 sections at - I became a messenger of love for someone because that someone was embarassed to face the beloved.

Someone near here pisses me off and he continues to piss me off but I still managed to give him a good chocolate bar.

I got big dough and chocolates - and i'm losing it quickly, I gave chocolates to almost all the people I know here. I forgot to give that kind taxi driver some but he left before I could even give him one.

I'm getting thinner because I failed to have lunch for the last few days because of my class schedules, fuck.

Now I don't have any time to fool around, if only I was a genius, living here would've been more fun.

I haven't paid my monthly rent yet, my money for this month is not enough to cover the food.

I think I just lost 2 valuable customers.

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Lastly, i'm taking this space to end this place to move to a new one. Thank you for taking a visit and taking your time to at least take a glance at this journal. This was meant to be.

2006-02-28T01:41:00.000+08:00

I influenced so many people to do blogging. They don't last though, maybe because they don't have passion for writing or maybe they just expect too much from it. I'm not really into blogging myself but since I can be allowed to freely write something online then I started an online journal, that was sometime in 1999. So I started to write about myself, my thoughts, my travels, my adventures, just about everything under the sun I could think off. Visitors started popping in and left comments, I thought "Wow, this is much better than writing in my journal, at least I get reactions, interaction is better." So time continued and it became a trend but for my case, it has always been a necessity, something in where I could express myself and something to do to make me feel better - something really worthwhile since I could share my thoughts and maybe try to connect to other people. 2003 came and I bought my first digital camera, since I really loved taking pictures, I started photoblogging and more visitors came. Some people I know in real life started to take notice and starting visited my site, they discovered more than what they intended to discover about me. What I was never able to express in real life, I was able to express in blogging so it's a good thing in a way, it has really helped me a lot. I left blogging after dropping in college and because I fell into depression at that time, i've become idle at home just doing nothing. Unable to recover for months, I looked for a way to at least make myself feel better. By coincidence, something happened that made me meet blogging again. And so I started to write again, this time about my failure, my hate for people, my inner hatred, I became imaginative, I told everything, I exaggerated, I went over the line and broke the barrier of just simply writing, I set myself totally free. And so I met new friends, interesting people which I didn't see in real life (most of them) and I started treating them as if I knew them, I sent gifts and shared my thoughts, someone I met in real life told me that he was really amazed at me as I was like a hero in my blog. True, only in my blog can I exist as something else, as something great, even to look as a hero for others. It's more than a mask, it's more than creative writing, it's more than interaction, it's an art of expression, it's for me, it's for my ideals, it's for my happiness. So I continued writing, anonymously and not, I continued blogging. It may end or it may never end but I know that I am enjoying every single moment when I write about something of my interest online, passion strikes the keyboard everytime I feel like it. What i'm writing here is more than just history, maybe it's more like history slash passion, hehehehe. I used to write on a domain, that was very flexible to have but because I moved to Manila to study here again (partly thanks to blogging for recovering), I had no internet connection and had to figure out what to do to continue manage the online journal that I had and I was hosting myself in a domain and I used to write an entry almost everyday - I started to focus on my studies and it resulted to breaking my habit of constantly thinking of writing about myself and my thoughts. So here I am, my domain (because I was unable to extend it) expired and was auctioned for $50 - the death of my previous online journal. I deleted all records of my journal, the only left was 1 entry sometime in 2003 in diaryland, it's weird that I still recovered a copy of it. And so I continued to focus on my studies and started another journal without any motive but to write again.

I'm very excited to have that cable internet connection soon, things will really get better for me if that goes through. No more disturbance while writing unlike in this entry (plus I get to post lots of videos and files), hehehe. I have so many stories, things and thoughts to share but I just don't feel like writing about it right now. I can always write it anytime when I move to my new domain when I have my own internet connection in my room. I'm really working forward to it.

2006-02-21T12:23:00.000+08:00

Is life sad? That depends on your perspective. Maybe I should write a book about my life - sold exclusively to happy people who needs to get bored once in a while. I hope my cable internet application with iCable will be successful next month. I can't write really well when i'm in an internet cafe. It just feels uncomfortable to write when people are around you. Well, I have no choice, I really need to write right now, I don't care anymore.

I don't know if I made a big mistake. I have no self-goals/dreams of my own. All my plans involved the future of my parents/sister. I never thought of my own. And now, it seems as if it has materialized. I have no plans for my future - I do have plans to do for others.

Now I see my situation, away from home, away from my parents, with my sister in a faraway city located in Manila. I see shit all over. I'm having fun myself though.

Ang tamad kong tao, wala ako dapat dito, kasi sa totoo lang gusto ko maging isang taxi driver o di kaya photographer - pero di puwede yun, di praktikal, di makakabuhay, magugutom lang ako.

It pains me to see other people that has big opportunities for them, they don't really think well. They spend their money on useless things, it's contagious. I can't blame them, most of them are kids, most of us want fun, most of us think like kids. Ako mismo feeling ko sinasayang ko pera ng mga gumagastos sa akin, helpless.

Actually, i'm earning money myself but I pity myself for not being able to live with all I have right now, I still need someone to pay things for me, i'm still dependent.

I suppressed all emotions to achieve my goal. In the process, i've become abnormal. Pera na lang ang laman ng utak ko. Nothing is more important than it anymore other than God and my loved ones. I've become a very practical and materialistic person, it affected everything about me, my standards, prespectives, tastes, etc. But... I am very thankful to be able to think more maturely now. I'm not so childish anymore, I don't give up on things and most of the time, I try to think well before I decide to do something. The only problem I have right now is i'm not being productive and i'm not really making good use of the money i'm spending.

I don't have a plan for myself. Sad. I have visions ready for the future though, I just hope it goes through, everything right now is turning out to be interesting. It just pisses me off to see people everyday that's like me - naive, shitless dependent, insensitive, immature, impractical and inconsiderate. If only people weren't full of themselves, if only they thought more about others and how their actions would affect other people. If only they were more sensitive and considerate to those helping them. If only they tried. If only they exerted effort. Everything would be a lot more better, if not for them, for the people they care for. It's a waste really, such a waste. I changed a little but not a lot. I'm still like them, I never learn - I am naive, shitless dependent, insensetive, immature, impractical and inconsiderate; I can do something about it but i'm too lazy to do so, rather, all I do is think. I'm hopeless right now. One thing changed though. I learned to be really optimistic. I believe that there's still hope for me.

I'm starting to smirk at simple things most people think of greatly like their lovelife(need I say more?). They're just too full of themselves, I tell you. Now I feel better. Please feel better for me too, hehe.

2006-02-14T21:00:00.000+08:00

Happy hearts'/valentine's day.

Most people talk about love and dating at the moment. Isn't that just cute? Everyday is a day of love for me so well, the impact of this date for me is not as much as most people that are love/socially conscious.

I never had any dates on February 14 since I was born on this world(none that I can remember). I'm so happy being single. :) I missed all of my prelim exams and I think my health's gonna deteriorate again. Go Ed! Fight!

2006-02-13T05:01:00.000+08:00

Article 0

Life is an art. A literature. A thing that words alone cannot describe or explain. Like this writing which may make sense or none at all. It is a mixture of life and death, love and hate. A metaphor in itself with no epiphany. A thing that is understandable but cannot be understood. A weird pile of things, a puzzle, funny, horrible, confusing yet clear. Change is a must. It doesn’t matter if I ignore ignorance. What matters is who i’ll love, I decided it a long time ago. It doesn’t matter who loves me. Death cannot stop anything. A connection in everything. Bitter things must be experienced until the end. The sweetness will not stop. Words flow eternally. Poetry evolved. Writings destroyed. Everything is life. Everything is a work of art. Where everything is an entity. Living, non-living. Tears. Time cannot stop. Love. Why do we need to love? Evolution, it comes through everything. Thoughts can never be predicted. Insane. No. Sane. It’s something you cannot explain. Orchids. It’s something you can never understand. Flowers. Beauty. A kiss. Lovapalooza. Again. You can’t figure something out in something so clear. A system. Life. Systematic. Principles. Violations. It can be broken. A promise unfulfilled, devoid of nothing. It’s something someone like you could never figure out. Unscramble the thoughts. Make something up. It’s not abstract. There is no such thing as nature. Adaptation. Mind. Thoughts. Ideas. No soul. No emotions. Love is not an emotion. Money. Power. An important entity. Undeniable. Sleep. Deprive. Kill. Live. Help. Find the connection. Many worlds. Paralleled, unparalleled, spelled, misspelled. Failed. Prepare for the worse. Death will not come, sorrow will continue. Dark but light awaits. Enough for words. The writing doesn’t stop. The mind continues to command the hand. Type. The thoughts are not scrambled. Repeated. Not crazy. Disappointed, be contented. Think. Don’t be confused. Master life. Discover more, learn less. It doesn’t matter to talk more or less as it is to write. It’s an article that can be or cannot be understood. Find the connection. It’s everywhere. It’s in you, it’s in me, it’s in everyone, it’s in everything. Bitter until the end of none. There is no bad or good. There is no right or wrong. It doesn’t matter what you believe. Blasphemy. Honesty. Truth. Being. Connection. There is an end. There was never a beginning. There is this. There is no writing. Imagination. It’s not dangerous. Roam around. Discover. Write something. Passion. Make no sense. Touch. Feel. Influence. Adopt. Adapt. Wait. Think again. Continue reading. There is nothing here. There is no truth. There is no you. There is nothing and there is everything. Everything is temporary. Change is permanent. It cannot be concluded. Hypothesis cannot be made. There are no such things. Errors. Unpredictable. Undescribable. Unintelligent. You could never get the point. Scratch your head. Don’t think. Make an expression. See if you can connect. Feel your surroundings. Absorb the writings. The writings does not exist. This is not here. You are not reading this. You are not going to finish reading this. Fallacy. Words you cannot understand, rather, sentences. You don’t need to understand. You care, I don’t care. It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters. It depends. To you. There is no you. There is only me. There is no me. There is something else. Entity. Not living. Questions. No such things. Answers. There are no answers. Need. No need. Everything is was. Everything was is. No abstract. Only art. Your mind cannot comprehend. If it does, there is nothing. You are not intelligent. I am. I am not. There is no claim. There is no puzzle. There is no way. Prison. We are here. There is no we. Everything is an imagination. Words cannot explain, the soul could not comprehend. The world will never understand. The connection. There is nothingness. Everything comes with nothing and nothing comes with everything. A riddle. No nothing. Symbols. Figures of speech. Insanity. Far from that. Thoughts, it can be like this. Everything can be like everything is. There is an end. There is no beginning. There is no truth. There is only… No it cannot be said. It has no word. Despair. Hopelessness. Irony. Wind. Particle. Disorder. Nothing. A blank slate. An empty state. A content. There is no end. It has no word. There is no word. There is no world. Poetic injustice! This makes perfect sense. You just have to know. There is nothing perfect. There is a sense. This is, it isn’t. Smile. You may understand. Eyes. Ice. The music cannot be stopped. Instrumental. Voice. There is no flaw. It all comes back to this. Amor. There is no life. There is no world. History. Reality does not exist. Everything is a fantasy. Scripted. Alas. Everything does not exist. Nothing exists.

It’s more than just a poetry. It’s not from the mind, it came from the system. I saw the system. I know how it works. I can fit myself into it but I choose not to. Freedom. It’s the choice I have. I am not part of the system anymore. There is no system. It doesn’t work anymore. I died yet I lived again. This time, as a part of nothing. I won’t fit but I have to follow the flow. I will. I need to survive and become great for my loved ones. For their sake.

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School is keeping me busy. I'm keeping myself busy. I'm financially challenged. Hopefully, in the near future, life will be not so hard on me anymore. I will sleep after this for 2 hours then wake up again only to study in order not to get a zero on my quiz. I'm getting a getting a removal for Trigo hoping for a higher decent grade(I passed at 76%). Prelim exams will start tomorrow, I have no idea about most of my lessons. Something tells me i'm in big trouble.

2006-01-28T01:34:00.000+08:00

If you think you're unlucky, think again... Even if you know some of this kids are used by syndicates, help them if you can. I beg you. Please.

2006-01-23T11:46:00.000+08:00

I've been forced to take care of a dog because of circumstances and even if the dog isn't that much of a bother, I still find it hard to take care of it - in my room. I named the dog "White Bitch", nice name huh? Suits her well I guess. I'm partly a dedicated person so i'm being responsible for it, preparing for its meals and stuff, spending a lot of time for it, I also don't mind collecting some of her shit and cleaning her urine but if this goes on, I think i'm gonna be sick. I'm thanking my sister for the suffering that she has brought on her beloved brother, you see, she has 2 dogs and I have to take care of 1 of them. I found blood in my shit again earlier, I don't know how to react except that I know, in the near future, I will be going for a medical check-up again, something very fishy is happening in my body. I always know how to look at the positive side of things though so i'm not really worried about it. I'm trying to find out a way on how to have an internet connection in my room as I badly need it, big time. I've been trying to make money online since last week, I invested a total of $7, I'm still waiting for a return... It might turn out good, on the other hand, it might turn up bad as well. I hope it turns out good.

Condition Forecast: Philippines

Glory gives unity, at least temporarily. Thanks Mr. Manny Pacquiao.
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I wonder if someone already won that 150 million pesos jackpot in the lottery, i'll try my luck later if it's still up/good.

2006-01-19T17:11:00.000+08:00

Wi-Fi Broadband Application rejected at the last minute... I tell you, student discrimination...

2006-01-14T12:07:00.000+08:00

This camera is... really bad. It has no optical viewfinder, only has an LCD viewfinder which you can see nothing most of the time. The supposed to be flash auto strobe doesn't work well and can't really work well with focus shots, especially if it is sunny. It has also no red eye reduction. My previous camera was way much better than this. Oh well, I still love it since it has an MP3 player and can store data as well as take videos of up to 70 minutes(although it has no lights for it). A TV/Audio-out, a mini-tripod, and a plug-and-play data storage device for windows(can handle up to 512 MB MMC Card, about 26 MB internal memory). I'm reminding myself of the good points of the gadget rather than the quality of pictures it produces because it's really disappointing. I drank sake(rice wine: 25% alcohol content, YAY!) yesterday because it was for free and I really wanted a good sleep so I drank and drank until I became drunk and sleepy, hehe, I came to school drunk and attended my last subject for the day BTW. Hangover. I'm looking forward to my future internet connection in my room, my application was accepted, WOO-HOO, wireless broadband, baby!

2006-01-10T11:35:00.000+08:00

"Infocused" - A focus shot. Different lights at different angles.

The debut of the my new camera's product in the internet.

Every object has its own value, inanimate or not. Everything has beauty that we never see in real-time, that's why there is this thing called the camera. To capture a scene, a moment which can be never repeated again, to see its beauty in-depth. God truly is an artist for he made everything beautiful.

A camera is like a gun, you hold it, and shoot(push the shutter). The target either dies or lives, it's up to you. It captures moments, faces, expressions, conditions, events and everything in-between. Make memories that will last.

The sun is not really lit up today, hmmm, gloomy. Never take for granted anything as everything has value.

A friend of mine told me that the quality of my new camera's pictures is like of that of a camera phone. I don't really care as long as I shoot at the right moment and I feel good about it. This picture was taken just outside the internet café I always go to. Well, you won't really see its beauty if you walk past it. Leaves are beautiful as well, haha. Maybe I should learn some digital photography, I have a feeling that I may have a lot of fun this year with my new camera.

2006-01-09T23:05:00.000+08:00

Today, I accomplished what I needed to accomplish, so this entry will be brief.

To make the long story short...

2003, the last time I attended the university that I am in now, I failed all of my subjects. Now, returning, I had a 1.75 GWA for last trimester - that is without "real" effort. I am disappointed with my grades and I am regretting what I did years ago.

Moral of the story - don't do something that you will/would regret someday (and you should know what that something is, because if you don't, you're an idiot). Sheesh, I got a 2.00 and 2.75, life really is unfair.

I still have a lot of things to do. I hope I can work while going to school this time. And I certainly hope that I will have my own personal internet access in my room. Someone just told me that I can get a girl to pay for me, tsk, I just hope that's true since dating would be really fun for me this year.

Oh, a reminder, 15 laughters a day makes a normal person. If you don't laugh that much, try to and see the improvement, if you insist on not doing it, then just go old and die. If you laugh too much like me though, people will call you "baliw".

2006-01-08T18:33:00.000+08:00

Hahahaha, it's been a while, so many things have happened since I last posted. I'm excited about this year though. Although I don't have really a lot of posts in my online journal, I have managed to write everyday in a daily planner - my so-called real life journal. Unfortunately, there is a limitation in how long I can write since it has 1 page for everyday and only half a page for weekends, it has a reminder line at the bottom of the page though, a lot of notes page in the back, a calendar, address book, and all the useful things you can find in a daily planner. I am planning to have another online journal, not a blog like this though. I also bought a new digital camera, 4 megapixels, has an mp3 player, a camcorder, voice recorder and can store data - it's a gift I bought for myself for this year since i'm unable to get my old digital camera from my sister, it got very dirty anyway and for me - it's unbecoming... The new camera isn't as good as my old camera though, I find the pictures taken to be not that good, the old one was better but I can manage since I spent a lot of money for that one, more than a month of my university allowance. I've been reviewing some of my manga collections and found them be really good, I really want to draw my own manga someday, I want to inspire people through it. I spent most of my vacation in my home - although I originally planned some of it to be in a tourist spot, like Boracay. Although it was not as enjoyable as I expected, being back in my hometown after 4 months sure was interesting - I finally found someone in the opposite sex that reached 9 out of 10 in my physical beauty scale(I found a 10 many years ago and I believe until now that she's an angel). Cool, nice bod and face, at 15 years old nonetheless, a model, impressive - i'm stopping myself from asking her out since it just doesn't seem right for me - I saw her at her relative's salon and I only managed to praise her verbally about her beauty, I really would like to look at her face directy but my intellect just tells me that she would get a weird idea if I would. I'm planning to be her friend when I am able to meet her next time in my next sembreak. I found out something about myself today, I found out that i'm laughing more that most people do in a day, coool. It's lonely most of the time for me here in the city but then I still manage to smile and laugh everyday. Even though I receive almost no "text messages" everyday from my cellphone, on which a normal Filipino citizen with a cellphone(even with no load) should have at least 10 everyday, I still find ways to enjoy time by myself. Ah, I just keep becoming more unpredictable day by day, most people would classify my personality as weird. A friend of mine in my hometown even told me that he avoided me and my bestfriend because of our "weird" attitudes. We are that "weird"! I really really want to start dating girls this year(i'm starting to think about what i've been missing in unfamilial relationships) but... but... but... I lack money! I think that money is essential in dating! Unlucky me! Girls get quickly turned off when I get brutally honest regarding some of my principles in life, most of them about the importance of money in everything and above mostly everything. Like "I prefer girls with money, No matter how beautiful a girl is, i'd prefer a girl who has lots of money regardless of any other criterion." I do, I honestly do... My biggest turn-on would be a woman who is financially independent, a woman that can finance herself to the point that she can even support me. That though, is very rare, and there is a very low chance that I might find one. And even if I do, I doubt that I have what it takes to make her fall for me. There is another way for me to get into my ideal relationship though - it is for me to become rich and become the one that will be financially independent and be able to support the opposite sex. That is... hard and I can't think of anything right now that will make me able to do that at this time, I really want to become rich before I reach my 27th birthday. It's unusual that I can't bring myself to be attracted intimately to someone in the opposite sex, it alarms me that's why I really want to date this year - to discover and learn about relationships, how to appreciate someone from the opposite sex and to know how insensitive, dense and numb i've become as a/n "im"potential boyfriend/lover. I really need to have my own online access at my room, unless I want my money to be drained outside because of paying from surfing the net. I really want to have an online journal again, for all the world to read, that is. :D I lack time right now but really, my year would be better if I could write online and post photos - how I love photography. Now that I have a new digital camera, ah, the possibilities of happiness. Ahahahaha, I guess that's it for today's entry. I am hoping to have a great year this year as well as for my loved ones. Happy new year to all and belated Merry Christmas(even if it's a useless greeting since it was weeks ago). Class starts tomorrow and I still have so many things to accomplish. Cheers for living.

2005-11-30T20:25:00.000+08:00

I miss home... Not really, I miss travelling around and appreciating the beauty of nature. Our final exams are scheduled on December 14 - 17 so i'll just wait until then. As of now, I still have a lot of serious business to do here. Ahhhh, I miss always having a good digital camera with me, I always loved taking pictures of anything, anytime. I can't think of anything to write right now since i'm posting this entry outside my room - a different environment, there's really a big difference when i'm writing alone, it gives me a sense of serenity.

I have a lot of things to do. I still have a long quiz tomorrow and i'm having a meeting with my classmates for a poetry reading presentation in Literature. Oh, I bought a DVD-RAM drive, it was a better choice than buying a DVD-Writer with Lightscribe technology, cheaper too, I was lucky to buy it at a cheaper price as it was at sale when I bought it. I... can't contact the girl i'm courting, maybe because I lack time right now and i'm not really good at time management, I need to improve on that aspect. I only have time for school and myself right now.

There are a lot of good people around me, I got free dinner today, at an internet cafe too. Feels a bit weird but it was fun, there were still people renting PCs at that time and I was eating with the owner and his girlfriend, they are good people, nyekhekhekhekhek. I guess it's because i'm a good customer. :D

I should buy a good digital camera and get a broadband connection here in the city even if i'm just boarding, I need to work online for money and it would be easier for me since I can do my research, print from my own printer and not spend anything extra. Time is running fast, I have to go and do something else.

2005-11-28T13:17:00.000+08:00

I am getting fucking restless... Ahhhhhhh, my lazy nature. Huhuhu, I can't even access the net from my phone anymore, oh well, I just have to find out another way on how to. :D

My economic report, my play, 2 subjects, 2 pending grades that will decide my fate. I still have no progress in any of the two. And about the girl i'm courting... Shit! I don't know, I stopped communicating with her because i'm a lazy guy, that's the reason why I can't have a GF yet, i'm too irresponsible to be a BF, nyakhakhakhakhak.

Anyway, I am scheming something right now, muwahahaha, so this entry won't be long like my other entries, I have been attacked again by a disease called laziness.

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School continues tomorrow, finals, here I come!

The author felt an urge to post something right now even if he is lazy because he's just been added in the Blogwise directory, YAY!

2005-11-21T13:26:00.000+08:00

Ahhhh, how many weeks until vacation? I can't help to count. I already have plans for this coming vacation after this trimester. My vacation plans are as follows:

a. Sleep, sleep, sleep
b. Travel, travel, travel
c. Eat, eat, eat
d. Take photographs, take photographs, take photographs
d. Court, court, court
e. Date, date, date
f. Spend, spend, spend
g. Love, love, love
h. Write, write, write
i. Sing, sing, sing
j. Dance, dance, dance
k. Learn, learn, learn

Start of vacation date is not definite... Nuuuuuuuuuu, i'm actually eager for vacation and it's our finals and I have to do good this term if I want to pass all of my subjects or at least have decent grades in some of them.

Who wants to go with me to Boracay? or some faraway (hot or cold) spring/mountain/falls/white sand beaches near our province? Who wants to go nature trippin'? Travel. Discover. Interact. Appreciate. Here's my number - +639226798101 - please use this number only to inquire about travelling with me and not about other things like friendship, etc, etc. ok? If you want to go with me, I explicitly would like you to know that you will pay for all your expenses and i'll pay for mine, hehehehe, or you can free me if you want.

What should I buy? Should I buy a good digital camera? A digital video camera? An external dvd-writer with lightscribe technology? A decent USB mp3 player? Ahhhhh, I need help choosing a good christmas gift for myself.

It was my first time to attend mass in Manila yesterday and it was in Metro Manila Christian Church, all I can say is that, it was cool, very cool... and rewarding.

Why can't I defy nature? Why do I have to be selfish sometimes? Why am I more attracted to beautiful women than ugly ones? Is this an imagination? I hate to admit the unfairness in myself but I have to. I can't fight my genetics, my inner self, my subconscious, they seem to dominate me everytime I try to fight them, i'm not giving up though. I would like to mess with nature once more.

I did defy nature, I mean, technically. It cost me something though, I don't know, i'm not sure. I've broken the sacred system of self-service. Self-service what? you say. Simply, the nature of men masturbating. But then, i've lost the satisfaction of making myself happy, hehehe, it's a bit sad but I did it! I actually did it! I also celibated but it was over, I forgot when but I did celibate and i've done it successfully for years. So what was the effect? I don't know, maybe my penis (dick if you like porn) didn't grow longer, thicker or larger (or maybe I just have a very short penis[dick] by nature) and I have a poorer sexual drive than years ago, it's a bad thing in the way I see it but nevertheless, i'm actually happy for the feat i've done (that's what i'm claiming, a feat). So what now? Well, I do masturbate now, whenever I feel the need to get rid of stress. At least i'm masturbating for a practical way. Feeling lust is uncontrollable but the action of responding to it is controllable. I've mastered the controlling the response part, I would feel lust if a luscious, sexy, well-endowed, beautiful woman seduced me but I wouldn't touch her if I want to. My understanding of beauty also went skin deep, although I thought that I did have the skill of choosing beauty completely ignoring the physical, I discovered that I don't, that somehow, the physical still affects my attraction in some way. That is the nature I want to defy next.

What a lazy guy I am, I guess I just don't have enough dedication, I failed to call the girl that i'm courting for days. Oh well, at least I have no plan of stopping to court her, I will just stop if she already gives me an answer, yes or no, any of the two, which I will accept willingly. I still have no idea on what to talk about when i'm having a conversation with her. Oh please, dump me, kidding! Oh, her birthday's on December 10, it's a challenge on my selfish nature, I will spend some of my beloved money for her gift, I should also buy gifts for my parents and friends as well. I wonder what gift would make her happy... I should remember to wake up at exactly 12:00 A.M. that day to be the first person to greet her, at least i'll try to, or maybe i'll call a little earlier, muwahahahahahaha. Ah, now I won't be able to buy a christmas gift for myself, it's a worthy sacrifice though, after all, making people happy makes me happy.

2005-11-20T09:59:00.000+08:00

Experimental Writing (First Person Perspective)
Ed and Seiphie
First Writing: In this bench.

I stared into nothingness again... "Smack!" I was startled by the sudden kiss in my lips, soft, gentle and caring. The kiss brought me back to my misery. "Hello", a soft voice catched my ears. "I see you here sitting in this bench everyday, what are you doing here?", the soft voice continued. I was a bit shocked of the kiss so I didn't know how to react, I looked beside me and saw the face of the most cheerful girl i've seen in my life, I thought, I don't know this girl, how come she kissed me? So I asked, "Why did you kiss me?", "Aren't you going to ask me my name first?", her expression changed as if she's frowning, in a very cute way. Still bewildered, I asked her again, "Why did you kiss me?", I stared into her directly with no expression of emotion whatsoever then continued, "Anyway, if you don't answer me immediately, i'm gonna kiss you back until you tell me why!". She laughed, "You're kidding, right?". And without her expecting it, I hugged her caringly and kissed her passionately. "Wha?!" A sudden mutter from her, she pushed me back. "What are you doing?!", there was a furious feeling in her voice, "Well, I told you i'd kiss you if you don't tell me immediately why you kissed me.", I replied calmly. "I mean, what the hell were you thinking?", I continued. "Oh, that...", she said with a giggle, "I just thought that you had lovely lips.". "Just for that, you kissed me?" Wow, I thought, this girl is different. "Yes, and I always can't get my eyes off you whenever I jog in this park so I thought it would be interesting to meet you. I think I like you so I thought of a way to catch your attention." Oh, so that's what it was all about. And it was 5:15 in the morning and I was getting ready for my morning exercise, it was cold, but the coldness of this morning was different, somehow, the breeze incited a feeling of care. "Hey! Don't do that again ok?", she gave me a stern look. "Well, if you answered me immediately then I wouldn't have kissed you. You kissed me by surprise, it was a very unusual thing to do so I just did what you did to me." Then her expression slowly changed into a frown, "Hmph!". "I'm Ed, what's your name?", I said. "I'm Seiphie", she replied. Seiphie was about 5'4, she had a straight neck-level jet black hair, black cheerful eyes, very lovely lips, sexy and she had this feeling of cheerfulness within her. "What were you thinking about Ed? I mean, I do see you jog everyday but before that, you just sit here, do nothing and well, stare into nothingness.". "Nothing, before I jog, I just feel like sitting and think of nothing." It was already 6 in the morning and the number of people present in the park was growing, it was time to go home. "I have to go Seiphie, first day of school for me.". I failed to jog today, I guess it's ok, at least i've managed to meet a very interesting person. I gave Seiphie a smile and stood up, I started to jog away from her, and with a wave of my hand turning my back on her I said, "I hope to see you again.".

-

Ugh... I still haven't made my economic report and I still have no progress in my play. However, I think I did well in my midterm exams, i'm doubtful about my score in Art Appreciation though, I hope i'll pass. I did many things since my last entry and i'm still tired so i'll just get some sleep again.

2005-11-15T12:22:00.000+08:00

What is the best way to divert your attention from your problems? Think of your blessings. It helps a lot, not only can it divert your attention from your problems, it can also let you face the reality of it and fight it. It will make things a lot more better and less complicated. The next thing to do is to focus on how to solve it. That's what I did this morning when I woke up.

Midterm Exams starts today. I have 6 scheduled tomorrow, four of them have conflict shedules, and worst, all of them require memorization.

I did something useless yesterday, it's a good thing there are always good people around me, I was saved from having a low grade on my only midterm quiz(that's uhhh, about 30% or 40% in my midterm grade) in Psychology.

Naputol ang tawag ko sa babaeng nililigawan ko kahapon, di ko alam kung bakit... It's either naputol talaga because of network problems or pinutol niya dahil errrrr - di ko alam kumausap sa nililigawan ko. I'll call her again later, di na ako nakatawag ulit after naputol ang tawag dahil ang dami ko pang kelangang gawin.

Exams. I won't fall without a fight.

-

I'm a pragmatic thinker that's why I know that i'm living a dream right now, i'm not feeling it, i'm living it. I get satisfaction from what i'm doing right now, everyday, kahit nakakapagod, nakakatamad, at minsan di maganda ang pakiramdam ko - buti na lang di ako nagkakasakit.

After the midterm exams, I still can't relax because there are still two major activities that I need to finish. One is a play which will serve as our midterm quiz in literature(i'm playing one of the major roles and the play needs to be at least 45 minutes long so there's a lot of memorization involved) and the other is our economic's business report. I am also obliged to read current newspapers because our exam in constitution will involve some politics, specifically, the flow of politics in the Philippines right now. Ops, time for my first meal of the day, lunch. :D

2005-11-13T09:33:00.000+08:00

It's early and yet again, I have to write certain bullshittings. It's because sometimes, I just can't take the bullshit my sister throws at me. So they left my boarding house today, of course I have a higher morale when she's here but then I think i'm grateful that they left immediately.

a. I let her use the mineral water that i've been keeping for reserves just in case my money goes zero, yung mineral water na yun, iniinom ko yun kung di na ako makabili ng pagkain, para naman at least may mainom ako na malinis kahit wala akong makain.

b. I let her and her girlfriend sleep in my room for 2 nights using my things.

c. I have to cover up for her not to let anyone know in the family that she's with her girlfriend in Manila, I fucking lied for her. I did so since forever! I always covered up for her!

No, i'm not complaining, I just want to express myself as I feel angry at her at the moment. It's hard for me to get angry at people but she just pisses me off sometimes. The things I don't like about her are:

a. She's always jealous of me. I don't know why. Putang ina, eh para na ngang suweldo ang baon niya tapos ako ang pera ko kulang pa sa pagkain ko. I mentioned my situation a while ago while they were having breakfast and then she compared her situation to mine and told me that she's suffering more as she carries more responsibility then I asked her why she was comparing it, then we argued just because of that simple question, ganun ba talaga? eh iba iba ang responsibilidad natin, wag mo naman sanang icompare sa iyo dahil kahit saang anggulo mo tingnan, iba, malayo, oo kahit ano pa yun, tama ka na. She claims all this bullshit that my mom loves me more than her and my dad loves her more than me, how immature could you fucking get?! And that she feels that she's more inferior than me. What bullshitting! Eh tapos na nga siya ng nursing at nakapasa na sa board exams, ako bagsak dito, bagsak doon, nahihirapan pang gumraduate sa B.S. course ko. Matalino daw kasi ako. Haven't she heard of creative people? I think she was sleeping when her psychology professor was teaching their lessons.

b. She lies to her girlfriend and her friends about her life and our life, including my life. She makes up stories that will make people pity her and sympathize for her. I don't know if she still has this habit but I know that she still lies and make up stories. At risk ang credibility ng identity ko sa mga tao na kilala niya, pinapakilala ko naman lahat ng kakilala ko na may opportunity na makilala siya eh kahit alam ko ang magiging epekto sa akin...

c. Her lies always puts me into trouble when i'm interacting with people around her.

d. She criticizes me in front of people as if feeling niya hindi ako tao, na wala nang natirang hiya sa akin, ok lang sana kung constructive eh, kaso hindi, destructive at most of the time di pa totoo, criticism man o praises.

e. She takes for granted the things that I do for her. Parang feeling ko mas importante pa ang girlfriend niya sa akin, oo nga naman, baka nga, baka hindi lang feeling, siguro dense lang talaga ako. Nagpresenta pa nga ako na ako ang maging sperm donor pag magkaanak sila para less sa gastos at siguradong galing pa sa dugo namin ang anak nila.

f. Inaaway niya ako kahit sa mga walang kakuwenta kuwentang bagay o dahilan. It's as if ako palagi ang may kasalanan, as if mali na lang ako palagi. Oo na, kung sabi mo eh, ok lang yun, I don't mind. Ikaw naman ang nagsabi eh.

g. She shares the most sensitive information (important and unimportant) about my humanity, my life that can destroy me. e.g. "Alam mo yang si (nickname ko dito), noong bata pa kami, manyak yan, yung doll ko, hinubaran tapos ni-rape, yung pusa rin pinahiga at sinakyan." Amputa, pati ba naman yun? Na wala sa topic ng pag-uusap, bigla na lang sasabihin para siguro maaliw yung kinakausap niya o mapasaya ang sarili niya. Kung ganun ang kapatid mo, makakaya mo kaya? Exaggerated pa yung example na yan, hindi ko pinahiga ang pusa, sinakyan ko lang (sa likod, hindi sa puwet, kung sakaling marumi ang iniisip mo), oo nakahubad ako noon at ang lupet ko mag-isip, sumagi pa ang bestiality sa utak ko dahil bata pa ako, curiousity di ba? Yung doll, alam ko naman na di puwede eh, kiniss ko lang yun. Eh kahit sabihin na nating totoo yun, kailangan pa bang sabihin yun? Eh matagal na yun at matanda na ako, bata isip pa ako noon. Syempre, me epekto yun sa impact ng impression ng ibang tao sa akin, buti sana kung ang kinakausap niya eh asawa ko, eh wala pa akong asawa.

I don't hate her for that, I love her. Nagkasakit kasi siya sa utak noon, baka hanggang ngayon may sayad pa rin siya. I have this bottomless understanding and forgiveness inside me that is reserved only for her. She is my greatest critic but she can't accept me to be her greatest critic. I thank her for being one of the greatest challenges in my life.

Reasons why I lie:

a. My family is made up of frequent liars, thus, i've grown up surrounded with lies, learning how to use lying to my advantage. Since I have this thing called the "Gift of Gab", I know how to fool and manipulate people if I want to, that makes me dangerous, I don't know if your wit can save you from me, maybe it will even betray you for me.

b. For self-preservation (for now).

c. For my loved ones.

I think I don't do white lies anymore as I think that it's not necessary and it presents danger.

Noted at the moment:

I love my dad more than ever, he just made it to my #1 Ideal Father in the world list. He kept his promise. He made me learn a lot of new things and gave me opportunities that life never gave him. His greatness surpasses his presence. He is the greatest father ever for me.

I love my mom too, ever since, I always admired her being a mother. If i'd be looking for a good wife, most of her qualities have to be included.

I still love my sister and I will always will.

Jayson, the adopted, now my brother - I don't really feel his presence but i'm eager to hear news about him. I just hope that he's doing good.

Ang buhay nga naman, matanda na ako, kelangan ko pa rin ng tulong ng mga magulang ko para mabuhay. Ang plano ko sana maging totally independent na noong 17 years old pa lang ako (o 18 ba yun?) Pero shit, ang hirap, ang hirap mabuhay sa Pilipinas ng walang pera. Ang hirap ng total independence. Gusto ko sana maramdaman ang satisfaction ng total independence kahit mahirap, kahit parang mamamatay na ako sa hirap. Sige, ok lang, malapit na, nabubuo na ng onti onti ang aking mga pangarap. Babawi ako balang araw, putang ina, yayaman ako, yayaman ako para sa aking mga minamahal. Gumagalaw na ang mga pangarap ko, nagsisimula na akong maglakad sa totoong buhay ko, nagumpisa na akong maglakad muli sa direksyon na nilatag ko para sa sarili ko.

Thanks to "Mark" for offering me breakfast kahit late na, gusto ko rin sana, gusto gusto ko sanang kumain dahil gutom ako, kaso alam ko marami pa akong gagawin na mas importante, gusto kong magkakuwenta ang mga perang ginagastos ko dito sa Manila at ang mga perang iginastos sa akin ng ibang tao. Next time na lang, palibre ha? Hehehe, wag ka maawa sa akin, enjoy naman kasi ako.

Kung feeling niyo, ang atmosphere dito ay drama. Namali kayo. Ang atmosphere ay adventure, I don't like dramas. Yung last na umiyak kasi ako, natatandaan ko tungkol sa pera, halos lahat ng tao na nakapaligid sa akin umiyak rin, ang galing ko palang maginfluence ng atmosphere, hehehehe. Dahil sa self-sacrifice yun dahil sa nanay ko. Kaya parang blurred pa rin hanggang ngayon ang future ko because I wasted almost 2 years of my life for the cause of my mother.

I feel helpless and challenged, I don't want help though. I want moral support. Good thing my loved ones are always there to cheer me up, brighten my day and give me this childlike face. ;) My loved ones are the main reasons why I struggle to survive, they are the foundation of my various dreams in life. I wouldn't be here and I wouldn't feel special and living if it wasn't for them. Thank you. Thank you very much.

I'm referring to my loved ones, specifically, those people I love even if they (will) hate me.

Love drives me to live. Maybe Sigmund Freud was wrong when he said that sex is the basic human drive in his psychoanalytic theory. Maybe love is the basic human drive.

Love and memories will be the only two everlasting things that you will leave in this world. You can choose any of those two but you can choose both. Which would it be?

For me, the answer is obvious.

2005-11-12T18:35:00.000+08:00

I was supposed to relax this evening (tonight). Well, I was supposed to. Now I can't, since "they"'ve cancelled to go today. Ugh. Shit. Again.

Well anyway, I think I did good in my makeup prelim exam in Art Appreciation, and I did good too in my makeup quiz for the same subject, thanks sir, I owe you. However, I performed badly in Filipino since I failed to prepare and study for it. I only got 76% (that's with a +5) since our professor was feeling good and generous today. But then, with luck, since i'm studying in a business school and our foundation week is next week, those who failed to take our previous quizzes will be given 80% as their quiz percentage if they pay 50 Philippine Peso as a donation. I thought, lucky them, but it seems so unfair that only them could avail of such privilege, I struggled to take the quiz but only managed to have 76% and them, they just pay 50 Philippine Peso and they get to have an 80% quiz grade. So I thought of an ingenious idea to confront our professor of the unfairness of the situation. Since normally, 60% is the default grade for non-takers (that's what she is claiming), donating would mean adding 20% to their quiz grade. I also donated and asked for a 20% increase, wallah! Magic, just like that, I think I had a 96% quiz grade, wham! bam! thank you ma'am!

Now, I learned from my sister that our relatives are secretly talking about me - questioning if I was gay. So I learned another new thing about sociality: that if you have no girlfriend, you act weird and you don't have sexual/emotional interest in girls (I do watch porn and similar kinds of stuff though), people will be secretly questioning your gender. Tsk, and it's even more suspicious since my sister is a bisexual, or as she claims it, les.

The world is fastly changing around me and something interesting happened to me today - I finally decided to court someone, a friend of my classmate in school, a total stranger which I haven't met. I just had this shallow interest in her personality and I had this funny feeling that somehow, I need to start courting someone (not fueled by the questions about the gay thing of course). So I called her and told her that i'm very interested in her (and in meeting her). I'm planning to meet her in December in Iloilo City when I pass there to go home for vacation. I also told her that i'll start to court her once we meet, I also asked her if she's ok with it and she told me that she's still deciding as she still have a broken heart. Heh, just my luck, I just hope I don't go balls in my first courtship as I have no idea of what to do.

I really don't believe in courting but since i'm a very open-minded person, I will try it so that I will know what it will be like. Of course, I would be a hypocrite if I don't say that what i'm doing is experimenting but i'm pretty serious in courting this girl. I have no feelings for her whatsoever but I have this urge to court someone right now and she seems to be the best prospect at the moment. I don't know if i'll encounter true love on the way but I know that I will learn something from this experience, something new, something that will open new views in my perspectives. Btw, she's from the same province as me, rebellious and just tasted failure here in the city, we may have a lot of things in common (or not), but... it doesn't really matter. What's important here is I started stepping forward, I moved, maybe the level of my understanding of life too. She will be transferring to another computer school in Iloilo City, a competitor of her previous school here (we had the same school but the one that she entered has a College status and mine has a University status). This is interesting. I totally have a different view of things but I just want to experience things that are interesting while i'm still young and alive. I will get in touch with her everyday, I hope I won't fail too soon, I hope that somehow, I have a little ittle bit chance of succeeding in courting her. Yet another unexplored entity to be discovered. Good luck to me! I feel inspired! and I hate to admit it to myself that even with the "nuisance" (I don't mean this literally) of "their" presence here, I am now relaxed. Thank you -, and thank you blog. :)

2005-11-11T21:17:00.000+08:00

This is bullshit. This is bullshit. This is bullshit. Yes, this is bullshit. I can't study well because my sister was crying over her letter to our parents, what about? I don't know but i'm sure we have the same problems, I think I have a lot more than her - she even had the luxury of meeting her girlfriend here in Manila while i'm totally broke unable to eat lunch everyday (feeling hunger everyday is not easy especially when your stomach hurts when you're hungry). So maybe she thinks that her life here in Manila is a big drama, well MINE IS! and i'm not complaining, i'm even happy for the challenge, and older sisters are supposed to be more understanding about certain situations. I have 1 major exam tomorrow and 2 (not sure) minor exams. That major exam is a makeup exam since I failed the first one, I scored 60% which means i'm a moron. So if I had a letter sent to my parents, maybe it would look like this:

Mom and Dad,

Send money immediately. No money, no son.

Broke and desperate,
Ed

Now that's the practical way. Heh, as if i'm a hard person and speaking all this bullshit, maybe i'm even softer than my sister but I don't do drama. So what right now? They are using my bed, industrial electric fan, my room, my pillow and my bedsheet. So I think i'll sleep in the floor tonight (good thing I still have my 'ol reliable sleeping bag), I can't even study because i've done her the favor of turning off the lights because for some reason, she and her girlfriend can't sleep with the lights on, heck, they even need an electric fan to sleep well. So what am I implying? Modern Filipino values, it just doesn't work for me anymore, it's a bunch of bullshit - impractical. But then, family comes first for me so i'm happy to serve her, my beloved sister.

I think the family conflict ongoing on our family right now is just getting worse, I even get involved - negatively (without my knowledge because the involved ones make up defaming stories). Bull!

The ground is vibrating again because of the noise below. I need to sleep well in order to perform good in my exams tomorrow. Good luck to me. I'm very busy these days, not only with school but also with dealing with myself. I would like to thank a friend online - Janet, for giving time to me to give me some study tips, I hope I can do what you had instructed me to do. I'm in a very complicated situation right now but i'll try, i'll try. Midterm exams next week and foundation week, so many school activities to do.

2005-11-08T23:24:00.000+08:00

I'm so sleepy. So many things to do in school. I finally got a web browser to work with my mobile phone so aside from just logging in to messenger services anytime I want to, now I can also surf pages in the internet anytime I want to - for free. Hehehe, how convenient for me. I think I did bad in my exam today and I missed 1 class, I hope I can keep up with our lessons. It's funny that I can browse faster in my phone than in my PC(that's because my phone is the internet gateway of my pc). Hoooo, what a relief, tomorrow will be a very busy day. Once again, I am dealing with family affairs, geez, I even get involved even in the business of other people in the family, there is nothing I can do, when it comes to family, I am forced to be involved - whether I want to or not. So I made a "mistake" and my "mistake" gets broadcasted over the family e-mail, tsk, I was a controversy once, now i'm in the spotlight again, I guess publicity likes me. I hope that there will be grace for me in this coming days, I really need it. School conflicts, family conflicts, inner conflicts, financial conclicts, intellectual conflicts, emotional conflicts, educational conflicts - time is my only chance and I don't know how to use it well. Ed, learn, learn how to use time wisely. Ok, so that's it for this entry, my brain's drained of information, I guess I thought about a lot of things today and all of it just flushed out because of overload.

2005-11-07T20:37:00.000+08:00

Heh, it's funny that i'm not so enthusiastic about my studies right now than when I was actually wishing to study in a university that I wanted to re-enter. So far, I have not made any assignments today or prepared for any of my exams for this week, and I have two due for tomorrow, good luck to me. It's a lot different this time though, it's a lot harder, like hell harder. Let me just play my media player so that I can hear better music, good thing I have headphones. I just actually moved in to a new boarding house and it just happened that below my room is a small eatery, my boarding house is near our school so students go here to eat and to karaoke. Gawd, I know that i'm not good at singing, although I enjoy doing it and listening to my own voice even if it's like shit, I don't enjoy it when it is someone elses voice, of course, only when it's not good. Since I moved in, the intensity here is just rising. I feel vibrations in my floor everyday because of the intensity of the passion of the student singers, I feel their singing - literally. Ah, I just hope that this day, they will not sing until morning since it's a disturbance to my sleep and I really value sleeping. There, a real singer, hehehe, run media player, run. Now I feel better, I still feel the vibrations though. It was a good day, I just had 1 class - General Psychology. It's actually a subject I unofficially dropped when I studied here for the first time(I failed 6, all of my subjects at that time), now i'm retaking it. The professor is still gay but the subject is a lot easier this time. I made progress, lots of it. Even though I know that i'm not really doing good in school right now, i'll still fight to pass all of my subjects. Shit! The voice of the singer is overlapping in my headphones, let me just turn my volume higher. Oooops, let me just disconnect my connection first and continue writing, I hear the interference from my cellphone, just to let remind you, i'm actually using it as a modem to connect to the internet. Ohhh, my ass is vibrating, how nice, thanks to the people below. The big difference at the moment is that i'm not the kind that gives up so easily, although i'm still lazy, I was not as lazy as I was before. So this time for sure, i'll do fairly in my studies. I lost my thing for school, I don't have the desired dedication or passion because I believe that academic education is not really important in life in general, it is very important when you're living in the Philippines though(that's why I am dedicated to my studies and I still have passion left for it). A while ago, my sister just asked me for a birthday gift, she's turning 23 in November 18. I actually have nothing to give her since this time, i'm seriously broke - I thought that I still had a deposit to get from my previous landlady but it seems that I misunderstood about our deal on my room rent on her apartment-type boarding house and didn't get back my deposit. Right now, i'm actually thinking where to get money for food and laundry. I've just been rendered helpless by circumstances. I actually need to sacrifice my time in school to try to look for a way to have money so that I can continue living here. I'm supposed to sleep 8 minutes later but I decided to do my assignments instead and prepare for my exam tomorrow. I'm enjoying the challenge that i'm experiencing right now, at least i'm more motivated and inspired(although i'm flooded with thoughts of what to do so I can survive). I don't actually need pity or help, I want to help myself, I don't want to be helpless, I developed this principle that only I can help myself in my problems. If I can solve everything internally then solving everything in the external will be easy. Of course I know when to ask for help of someone but however critical the situation I am right in right now, I feel the need to help myself. My heart tingles to know that life's like this, this is a lot of fun! This shit is actually a lot of fun. I am in love again, with life. I feel that I am so alive, existing, affecting other people and changing theworld even by just breathing. Time to stop writing here, time to start writing my notes, hehehe.

Opportunity Cost:

The author just sacrificed his valuable time to make his assignments and prepare for his exams in order to write. This just proves that writing to express his feelings is more important than academic education to him. :D At least the different priorities of people can explain the opportunity cost.

-
Economics, i've hated it twice. I'm learning to love it now, it does make life a lot better.

2005-11-06T23:27:00.000+08:00

Now that I think of it, I am reminded that although I enjoyed writing in my previous blogdrive journal(not to mention it helped me a lot), the 2nd one, I did consider it as a blog before I got a domain and became really serious again in writing a personal journal online so I may have errs today regarding what I told someone. Anyway, I am committed to write everyday in this blog so on to the business. Wait... I'm still thinking of something to write. Oh yeah, it's the first time that i've been thinking of something to write, I usually have many things to share to everyone, I guess I just don't have the same level of interest when i'm writing in a blog than when i'm writing in what I consider a personal online journal. I sound so absurd, hahaha. I still have a lot of university work to do but so far, I have no progress in any of my activities for this week, ah, i'm so eager to sleep. I don't know if it's just my thought but I think that i'm slowly starting to forget things a lot and have a very hard time on focusing on something, I think i'm starting to have an attention problem. Today, I met another person online and proved yet again that people behind blogs aren't always what they seem to be, of course even if I try to be as real as I can get online, I will still be a lot different in person, there will always be things that will contradict in what I stated offline and online, especially in my case, a very forgetful person. There is one thing that i'd like to point out though, I found out that I still have that attitude of making automatic lies and I can't seem to patch it up. Oh well, that's life, i'll deal with it someday, whether I like it or not but now's not the time, I still have many important things to deal with. It was better when I was writing an online journal, at least at that time I was honest MOST of the time. I won't blame anyone as to what had this attitude embedded in me, I seem to have the talent of making up stories that seem so real that it can't be considered a lie in every aspect. Don't get me wrong, i'm not a total liar, it's just that I exaggerate sometimes and make up stories, that attitude of mine really bothers me. I'm not doing those things on purpose, it just happens and then when the time comes that i've realized what i've done, it's already over, the damage has been done, BAM! Ouch, yet again another victim of some of my lies. I encourage people to believe me but I also encourage them to think well first before they accept the sincerity of what I tell them. Liars, get out of your shells, let's form a union, i'll be your leader, BUWAHAHAHAHA! Now it's over, the best thing to do right now is to confess my sins to myself and to a higher entity, it makes things a lot better and I found out that your faith can really save you, you just have to have faith. Someday, the time will come when I will share the complete truth to everyone, I know that day will come, I know that it will be the day when i'm totally mature, when all my insecurities are gone and my assurance to myself and other people is permanent. I'm not proud of being a liar but let's face it, I am one of them, one of the majority that lies, deception is everywhere, but I want to be totally honest, but now is not the time to be, now is the time to be practical, now is the time to lie. :) Share your thoughts, i've shared mine.

Lie is a shell, the shell will break eventually over time, voluntarily or involuntarily. Voluntarily is a good choice, it is the best and better choice but not in all cases. Nevertheless, it's what I want, the strength to stop lying. My feelings are out now, I think I do lie to please myself of what I tell other people, to impress them and something within me urges me to stop so i'm stopping now, it's over. You can ask me on what things you doubted about what I said. :D Heh, so I am a hypocrite that way. Sarcasm to myself. I lied again, damn it, stop!

What is truth? Truth is what you want to believe and what you want to make others believe. Reality is another thing.

Do I need to tell the truth? Only to myself. Who else? God. Confessing to both is a solution already. How about reality? I will tell them someday. I am accountable for all my actions. Thank you. And yeah, it's because I have to get rid(in a good way) of this thing called guilt and conscience, it's what makes people naturally good.

There you go, perspective writing. The truth, the lies, and reality applied in real life by the author. Explore, experience, take the risk, write, share and live with no regrets, it's the way of expressing myself. Have you thought of your own lately? My worries are gone again, it's a good sign, I think i'm gonna have a good day tomorrow, that's 33 minutes from now.

2005-11-05T21:48:00.000+08:00

Welcome to the blogosphere, Ed. I actually started writing contents of my everyday life in the internet but I never considered any of them as a blog, they actually meant more to me, they served as what I call an online diary/journal. But you may wonder, since it is the same thing as blogging, well, I don't consider it as one since my past writings have been very personal. In fact, I have been more expressive in my online diary/journal than in real life, it's just too easy to do so and I love sharing something with complete strangers. It all started in 1999, when I was in 3rd year high school(if I remember it right), usage of internet then was privilege in my province, there is only one internet shop and the price of usage for every hour was very high(which at that time was more than $3 or 160 Philippine Peso) so only those with lots of money to spend can have the privilege of surfing the net. I fell in love with the online environment and since then, I started to surf the net almost everyday, I would even skip my classes and steal money from my parents just to do so. Sometimes it was frustating because the line was running at about 24 kilobytes/second and I loved to search and download mp3s from the internet. It was then that I was introduced to chat mediums like IRC and Messengers and well, that was the start. Then I thought that it'd be cool if I had a diary online so I signed up for one at diaryland dot com. My page went well but I seem to be discontented since I only have foreigners as my visitors in my online diary. I started to lose interest and switched to IRC/Messenger services for the next few years. When blogging went to the spotlight, there were more internet shops and the price of surfing the net shot down to 20 Philippine Peso(less than $.50) and by then, I was studying at a computer learning center in a nearby province, this time, in a city. By then, my interest in writing an online diary came back again as the thought that this time for sure, there will be local visitors to my online diary so I started one at blogdrive dot com and it didn't disappoint me. It went well, but as time passed by, when I learned about domains, hosting, scripting, database and all that shit(notice the slang?), I wanted to have my own domain(I wanted to have 1 when I first realized how cool dot coms are, I tried to have one because I thought domain names can be created and not registered but I failed and realized later that domains are registered at a yearly basis and that I need a host for my webpage to work PLUS I need to know scripting, databases and yeah, all that shit). So I got my own domain(actually 5 of them) and had my own host, I even hosted people and had customers in my hosting service(I was a reseller at that time, I still am right now if my account is still active and working). After a lot of experience in the internet, I learned how to make money in the internet without even spending a single cent as an investment and so, my online financial life started. But then, problems arised in my life and I was forced to give up my love of writing an online journal, I moved to a new city and started studying in the university which I failed 6 subjects at 2 years ago. I won't be using my host or my domain right now since I currently have no intention to do so, being in the middle class in the Philippines is hard as hell, heck, every second of the time, I think about money, how to get lots of it and how to get rich someday to make my parents happy. I am currently residing in a boarding house at the moment away from my relatives and surrounded by urban people(not culture shocked though since i'm bolder than them and I seem to adapt easily to any person[or group] or environment). So why am I blogging right now? Simple, primarily because I want to earn online because I am currently experiencing daily financial crisis and second, I want to express myself again once more, online. Technology has really helped me a lot. BTW, I am online for free but for a bandwidth speed of 13.7 kbps, that's dedicated with no interference from anything, very slow and primitive huh? I am actually using my cellphone(Sony Ericsson K500i) as a modem and using an infrared port to connect my phone to my PC. Oh well, another day tomorrow, I still need to get more sleep since i'm bombarded with school projects, activities, exams and some serious independent life related stuff. I will though, try to write something here everyday starting today, ugh, going to school from Monday to Saturday and figuring out what to do the week after in Sunday, it's a hard life after all for someone that lacks money and... intelligence... but that would be another story. :)